“I hate my life and don’t want to be here but still I want to be here because I feel that I was destined to be.” “Confusing isn’t it?
A young man not caring whether or not he lived or died, close to heaven or hell, killed or about to be killed, I was. Because of how I grew up looking at life and all that it has to offer for many people, well just really myself. I use to watch and laugh at people while they were feeling pain or were soon to be killed because I grew up only caring about my grandparents. I grew up feeling that there was only two people who really loved and cared for me. Then meeting my mother for the first time I felt like I was meeting an enemy for life, and I will never forget that.
I started growing up holding in all that I wanted to do to her because of how she was treating me and it felt like holding it all in me was going to kill me. She wants me dead I told one of her friends, and she replied “she can kill you anytime and any day that she wants to because she was the one that gave birth to you”. Ever since then I felt alone wanting to take someone’s life before my mother took mine however I was sure that my grandparents never wanted me to, so I always found myself fighting it because I’ve always wanted to live a life making my grandparents proud of me.
Sleeping on the streets with no one wanting to be there for me, I knew people but I don’t feel like I’ve ever had a true friend. I once thought that I had a best friend but in the end it was all a lie. I felt that there was no reason why I was put on this earth, and even my mother kept saying that to me ever since I was a child. I found that it was because she had gotten raped by my real father, whose name she was always calling out while she was beating me. My life felt like it had no meaning because I grew up calling the wrong man father and for sometime calling the wrong woman mother.
I began writing to myself and then ripping up the letter after reading it over again and crying. I felt that I had no one to listen to me, so I got more into writing and then began writing poetry and still doing the same thing afterwards. Screaming out I hate you to the sky, asking why am I here, and many other questions time and time again. I began loving to fight people to release some of my anger but then I was told that I was weak man still because I’m making what another says about me and to me effect my life. However it was when I was about to kill myself one day after cursing him out again and waking up on the sofa watching television asking myself, “what happened” that my mind began to finally open. I went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and I was scratched up, parts of my body bleeding and in pain, and the knife that I was going to put inside of me on the kitchen floor. I then closed my eyes asking myself what happened and if that was a sign to show me that I was destined to be.
I’m hoping now to at least leave one accomplishment under my name before my time comes to make my grandparents proud of me because truthfully I don’t want to be here no more, because if she can’t ever love me, well then who can. Plus I’ve lived a life in the United States full of lies and more. However though if I am to stay on earth, I wish to be left alone as I accomplish my goals. Meaning no family, friends or friends around me. Except my little brothers.
“This was a letter that I wrote to myself while going through my struggles in life, read more about me at www.jonathanburkett.com
Location: Miramar Miramar